Monday, January 10, 2011

A dream I just had today.

I had a dream tonight during my nap that just blew my mind. It started Sandra Bullock mainly but I will get into that in a bit.

I lived near or with the Golden Girls in a nice neighborhood. The houses looked like older 1940s houses. They are hard to describe because I have no frame of reference for them other than movies. My neighbor across the street and to the right was Sandra Bullock. We were talkative with each other and hung out a bit. At least that was the feeling I got when I was around her. That and the fact that I was in love with her but kept it to myself feeling that she wouldn't be open to that aspect of myself. Sandra was dating a minor league baseball player. He was an okay guy but on a personal level he didn't feel right for her. He felt kinda sleazy in the context of their relationship. I tried to talk to her about it. Open her up and let her know I was there to support her in anyway she wanted me to be. I tipped my hand about my feelings when he announced their engagement and that she was just a way for him to get to the big leagues was discovered.

She was at once hurt but willing to continue on with her relationship with him when I tipped my hand. I told her how she deserved someone that would be there for her. Someone who didn't see “Sandra Bullock” the name in lights but Sandra the woman. I think I said some more along those lines. We were in her backyard and I was sitting there with her clinging to me and crying into my shoulder while I spoke. I remember I was rubbing her back and resting my head against hers when suddenly I was on my back. Sandra was looming above me. Her face close to mine and her hair hanging down around us in a curtain. Then we were kissing and it was passionate and wild. All of my love and want went into the kiss. It started going farther than that when my mind caught up and I stopped us. I told her that I didn't want to just jump into this especially when she was emotionally vulnerable.

The next scene in the dream was of being at work. Some where that Sandra and her soon to be spouse both went to regularly. She didn't want to see me and remember what had happened so she got me fired. When I looked at her she would tilt her head away and refuse eye contact. She looked ashamed. She wouldn't talk to me. She completely shut me out. I got very angry and depressed. Here I was no job, no Sandra as a friend nor as a girlfriend, the baseball guy smirking at me whenever he saw me. I went home and put a handful of pills in my mouth. As I was getting ready to swallow them I realized what I was doing and spit them out.

I sat down and wrote Sandra a letter. Telling her about my feelings for her, how I missed her, how I missed our friendship the most. How I was so hurt about her shutting me out that I had almost killed myself. How I was going to accept her choice and leave her alone once I delivered the letter I was writing. I poured everything out. I then folded it and put it into an envelope and slipped it through her mail slot before going back to my house and locking myself in my room.

The last scene in my dream was of a frantic Sandra barging into my house and shouting my name as she rushed up the stairs.  

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