Friday, March 18, 2011


I have decided to move this blog over to a Tumblr account which means after this post there will be no other at this site. I will leave the posts up as an archive however so feel free to keep referencing them as you like. The Tumblr account is under the user name socialoutcast91 and it is also linked to my Twitter account under the same name so whenever I post on Tumblr a message goes out through my Twitter.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Evil Musicals

Okay so I went into the living room to share some of the nostalgia that I get when hearing songs from musicals I loved as a kid and the fact that I don't like most of the modern ones with my grandfather. I used Wicked as an example of one of the only modern musicals that I like. My grandfather wanted to know what it was about and then lamented about how society just won't let evil be evil and tries to explain it away. I pointed out that most people haven't read the Oz books and so wouldn't know the true evil of the wicked witch because they don't really show or talk about it much in the movie.

He started getting irritated with me about how evil is evil even if you don't know the reasons behind it or the reason why. I pointed out that until we see an act that we conceive as evil that we can't know someone is evil even if we never have the reasons behind or why the act happened. It is about perception. Then he started trying to lecture me about the nature of evil when I stopped him. I know evil exists without rhyme or reasons. That wasn't what I was saying about the story of Wicked and such. In fact I didn't even know why we were arguing considering that the conversation had begun with nothing to do with the topic he was lecturing me about. Ugh!

I just wanted to share something that was making me feel light and happy. *face palm*

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sleepless Longing

I can tell already that I am not going to be getting a restful sleep tonight. Every time I blink or just phase out I get a feeling of want. A vague shadow of a woman behind my minds eye. Not lust but a true yearning to feel soft skin, hear groans, whimpers, moans, and raw need. To have control of her passion and play her like a finely tuned instrument.

I want to feel my veins alive with fire, with the passion to lose myself in the pleasure of someone else.

Every so often I get a little melancholy about being without these feelings for so long. It's been twelve long, rough, lonely years without those emotions. They are locked away out of fear of hurt and pain. I don't know how to let go and I haven't met the person who has the destiny to unlock them and with them my heart.

I want to feel dominate, aggressive, primal, out of control. The intensity was a powerful high.

The problem is that even the first and only time this has been took a year of ever deepening friendship and flirting to get there. Everyone I have met wants fast, easy, with sex.

I will be back to my glass half full tomorrow along with making more sense. This feels disjointed.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Best Fight I Ever Won

I won a fight once without throwing one punch or saying more than one sentence. Of all the fights I have been in either verbally or physically I say this is the best one I ever won because of that fact. I was a sophomore in high school and one of the new people as well. I started hanging around with the misfit crowd. One of the senior girls in the group got pregnant with her high school sweet heart. She was going to give the baby up for adoption.

One day I was talking with another girl from the same group about the situation and said that I wouldn't have the choice but to keep the child. My mother would have made sure of that little fact. The next day that same girl who I thought was my friend told a highly edited version of our conversation to the pregnant senior.

During lunch the senior confronted me screaming, shaking, and just itching to take a swing at me. She never asked me if what she heard was the truth first she just assumed that what she was told was right. I stood there surrounded by people with my face set in stone, my arms crossed in front of me and waited. Once she had stopped screaming I asked her one question, "Are you done?" She made another noise and just stormed off.

After that day I was treated differently by not only the other students but by the school staff. The students were all afraid of me and/or respected me. The staff knew I wasn't a trouble maker and would in fact avoid making trouble if I could.

By keeping my mouth shut, my emotions turned off, and controlling myself even if I couldn't control anything else in the situation I won that fight.

Everyone sees the world differently even if they pretend to see it the same as everyone that they want to like them. Everyone also likes to intentionally or accidentally forget this little fact. My favorite two quotes about life come from video games but they are both valuable.

"- Shut one's eyes tight or open one's arms wide, either way, one's a fool." - Flemeth "Dragon Age"

"Eh. Our mistakes make us who we are."  - Isabela "Dragon Age 2"

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dragon Age 2

On March 8th, 2011 BioWare released a game with the name of "Dragon Age 2" it is the sequel to an EPIC game set within a medieval fantasy world. I had pre-ordered the game months in advance with the advantage of getting a "free" (Nothing is really free.) upgrade to the BioWare Edition. All that really means is a different look to the case when compared to the normal and collector's editions and a goodly amount of digital content including the first add-on for the game.

I brought the game home. I finished doing some things and then sat down in my chair to get some equality time with my Xbox 360. The first night I put in about twelve to thirteen hours and hadn't even finished Act 1. The game is seriously detailed in both the story line and the graphics. Just about every choice you make effects something else from the very start. I beat the game last night and I am very happy with the ending I got. I have started a new game and have already started choosing different choices to see what changes with this play through.

Anyone interested in a medieval role playing game that focuses a lot on storyline will love this game as much as I do. If you just want something where you hack and slash you will be disappointed.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen is a great entertainer who doesn't conform with what everyone else thinks he should. I have been watching him in various things since I was a young child. My first memories of him are from the movies "The Wraith" and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".

He has had bumps in his life. They are unfortunately in front of the world because of the work he does for a living. If it were anyone else we wouldn't care unless we were directly involved and we sure as hell wouldn't be trying to tell a grown man how to live his life, well, I wouldn't be.

You have to admire a person that continues to live his life the way he wants to live it even as most of the world seems to be against him.

We don't know what is really going on with Mr. Sheen. We don't have our lives truly intermingled with his. What I do know is that we need to stop judging. We assume because of rumors, bad press, and third party stories that he is bad news. We believe what gossip rags, tabloids, and mass media tell us to believe. I'd like everyone to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember that this man is human. Would you be treating your father, brother, uncle, cousin, or friend this way? Or would you choose to let them live their life and just support them as long as they are trying to help themselves.

Mr. Sheen could be doing coke and drinking. He could be completely sober. We don't know and frankly I'd like to believe the best in him as I do in most people in this world. The fact of the matter is we are only seeing the superficial surface of his life as a whole and recent events especially.

Open your minds. If you must think the worst of Mr. Sheen then don't say it out loud. It is good manners not to harass, demean, and call people names. For those of you that believe in a higher power let that power do the judging and condemnation.

Bless you Mr. Sheen. Live your life the way you are going to live it. Thank you for sharing aspects of yourself with us over the years. Thank you for forgiving those that judge you, eventually. Don't let negative people hold you down even if that person is yourself. Everyone has a will to change and improve anything that they want to.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Sales Jobs

I don't understand some of the way things work in the business world.

I get food delivered from a well known company. Last year I was talking to my delivery guy and he was telling me that the work was good because they got a set salary instead of working on commission.

This year I have a different delivery guy and he just told me that the company changed the way they pay people so that the base salary is less than you could live on. Then they have "incentives" that can up your pay as long as you play the game and sell more food deliveries. Except for one simple problem. The way they have it set up the delivery drivers would have to go out on their days off to solicit new customers because one of the incentives when they are on the clock is to come in on time for every stop in the route. This seems like a hinky business practice to me. I know I would work harder if I was getting a flat salary per hour than this system. My delivery guy did the calculations and discovered that unless he plays the game he actually makes less than minimum wage with the hours per year etc, etc.

My grandfather says that this is just how it is in sales and that if I don't like it then I don't have to work in that sort of job. *shrug* It seems to me that a lot of the companies that have stopped doing commission type sales jobs have improved because they don't pester the consumer.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Panic Attack?

I think I had a panic attack tonight. The symptoms certainly point to that. I got tunnel vision, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tingling, and then when it started to subside I went all cold with sweats. There wasn't any pain so I know it wasn't a heart attack but at the time I though I was going to die.

I think it was trigger by my house browsing. I can't really buy a house at this time but I like to look around. I have to plan for the future.

I have had the start of panic attacks before if this is what this was. Nothing so bad that I couldn't handle it and nothing for longer than 30 seconds. I feel lucky in that.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Tiny Yellow House FTW!

I follow the Make magazine feed in Google Reader. Every once in awhile they have this guy by the name of Derek Diedricksen on the feed. He also has a YouTube account relaxshacksDOTcom. What makes him so special to me is his Tiny Yellow House segments. He builds structures that could be used as homes for homeless people. They could also be used for when you travel or if you just want a small space to get away from the world in.

The reason I am bringing this up is because Mr. Diedricksen has had an article written about him in the NY Times. The article is called "The $200 Microhouse".

Mr. Diedricksen also has a book that he has written about his shelters. It is called "HUMBLE HOMES, SIMPLE SHACKS, COZY COTTAGES, RAMSHACKLE RETREATS, FUNKY FORTS (AND WHATEVER THE HECK ELSE WE COULD SQUEEZE IN HERE!". You can get it from his blog

If you are interested in building things, tiny houses, recycled building, or anything related to those options I would recommend going and checking him out.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Net Neutrality

Net Neutrality... It's all bullshit! The internet has been around in one form or another almost all my life. In that time (almost 31 years) I have never heard of one internet provider successfully trying to block certain content that isn't theirs and making it for pay only. In fact if one did try they would quickly go under because people would jump ship to a different company with their money.

The people fighting for Net Neutrality are basically stating that they think the average consumer is stupid.

Even if one company has a monopoly in a certain area if people don't like their business practices someone within that area will start up their own company. It is how a free market works!

Gah! Some times I fear for the future of the world because of the popularity of the mob mentality. Just follow the loudest voice they must be right! *face palm*

Friday, February 18, 2011

Abortion Debate Opinion

Okay, there is a lot of opinions about abortion being thrown around at the moment. There has always been a debate going on but it has gotten worse since the whole Planned Parenthood undercover tape thing has come out. I am going to give my two cents about it just because I need to get it out there before I drive myself nuts.

If you get pregnant and you want to abort it that is up to you. I would personally not do it but that is my choice and I am not going to force my opinions on others. I will share them gently if ask or write them on here but I will not force others the way the most vocal are trying to do.

For those of you that believe in the Bible I have this to say. God has given us free will. He gave us his son in order to allow his flawed creations into heaven as long as we ask for forgiveness. Judge not others lest you be judged. He has a plan for every soul that is created. There are lessons to be learned for all in every death and every life. If you believe all of those things then live by them. Abortion is a lesson not to the unborn but to those that get them. Most people are forever changed by the choice either way. Those that don't learn the lesson will be taught it in a different way. God has ways of teaching people what they need to know eventually.

I may not follow a church goers life but I do believe in a higher power and I do believe in the fundamental lessons you can find in just about any religion on the planet. Become enlightened and know that every life and every death has a purpose. We do not know what those are because the reasons are different for everyone effected.

Lack of Intimacy

I've been fantasizing about cuddling lately. You know the kind where one person leans against a wall, tree, or something and the other person sits between their legs and leans back against them. I miss doing that either sitting or standing. I used to stand outside with my partner at the time and wrap one arm around the waist while the other was wrapped around their shoulders/neck.

So many people in my age range are obsessed with sex that very few of them bother to learn what true intimacy is. The ability to be so comfortable with someone that you can just flop onto the couch together like a couple of puppies.

Just a random thought I wanted to share.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The United States of America

For those of you that have forgotten what our country was supposed to be follow the link below:

Constitutional Republic

What it has become since the time of the founders is through the link below:

Representative Democracy

I know they are close but there are definite differences.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Different things that are going on with me

So I've become infatuated with two different women from two different internet social places. It's actually quite amusing to think about since I haven't been like this in years. I've been adopted by a really cool woman from Southern California on Twitter. She gets my humor and we have some things in common. Back to the infatuations though... One of them is a little younger than I am and lives in town. The other is I believe from the impression that I get a little older than I am and is in the lower mid-eastern part of the United States. Now, I know that most likely one of them will end up reading this post but I am not embarrassed by what I am putting down. This blog is my place to talk about things that are going on in my head. It has in point of fact become my favorite place to do so; even above my YouTube channel.

I've named my cartoon drawing style. I'm calling it messy cartoon. It is a style that I am actually good at that I think looks good. I also haven't seen anyone else using it so far. Though I do need to start either making clever ideas or catchy one liners for them.

It's been pointed out to me that as of a week almost two weeks ago I have started showing signs of my mojo coming back. I used to be able to flirt with people without being awkward and nervous. That disappeared until recently. I think I am starting to get my groove back as it were. Though I don't know if it is a good thing since I am told that my eyes get very... intense when I am in my rhythm. *shrug*

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Love at first sight

You know that feeling when you look at someone for the first time and your whole body freezes, you forget to breathe, and your heart starts to race? I want to feel like that again. It's been years since that has happened to me. The last time was in high school. We had a student teacher for American Government class. She walked in and I stopped thinking, breathing, my heart sped up. I was completely enthralled by her. I would make up questions to ask after class just so I could talk to her and be around her just a little longer. I think she knew I had a crush but she was professional about it thank goodness. She had her cop boyfriend come in and talk to the class. I wonder if they are married now.

*shrug* These are the things I think about late at night when there is nothing better to do.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Random Babble

So, I am out of things to read again. I have gone through all of the completed Alice/Bella, and Bella/Rosalie fan fictions I can find. I am thinking about going back into my personal archives and reading the B'Elanna/7of9 stories I have stored there.

I went out and got valentine's day things. It felt nice to go out and get them even if it is for friends and not a girlfriend or boyfriend. I'm not going to say what they are but I will update and do so on another post.

There is going to be a collector's edition of Duke Nukem Forever. I am SO getting it. This is going to be the last Duke Nukem game ever and the collector's edition rocks. It also has a certificate of authenticity which means that it is a true collector's item. I already put money down on the normal one so I am going to transfer that onto the collector's edition and then my grandfather is going to pay the rest for my birthday which is in the same month as the game release. Yay! By the way the collector's edition is officially called "Duke Nukem Forever Balls Of Steel Edition".

It is six days until the end of the HGTV Dream Home 2011 Sweepstakes. I have been entering into it almost everyday for the past month. It would be awesome to win it but I am not holding my breath.

Despite the fact that I grit or grind my teeth on and off all day I am only going to be wearing my guard at night. Simply because I like to sip on sodas, juice, and tea all day. I can't have any of those things with the guard in.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Christina Singh (A girl in memory) or How a part of me became

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine today when the conversation turned to my childhood. I look back at how I was as a kid and wonder how people couldn't have known that I was at least bisexual. I played mostly with boys, loved sports, loved playing make believe with plastic swords and such, never wanted to be the damsel in distress, barely played with dolls, and always wanted to be the dad when I played house. It actually gets me to laugh about the number of times I argued with my friends that I wanted to be Casey Jones instead of April O'Neil. My logic in was that April couldn't fight and have the same kind of fun as Casey and the Ninja Turtles did. Basically I wanted to kick ass not wait to be rescued. LOL

Another big red flag was my best friend Christina Singh. She and I knew each other from around second or third grade through eighth grade. She was one of the few girls that would hang out with me during and some times after school. I found out at the end of eighth grade that she was moving and I thought I was okay with it. I was okay with it until a few weeks into summer when it finally hit me that she wasn't coming back and that I was never going to see her again. It hit me during dinner one night and I just started sobbing. When my mom asked why I was crying I remember almost wailing, "She's never coming back." and sobbing even harder. Years later when I first looked back at my friendship with Christina after I had realized I liked girls it dawned on me that I was in love with her and didn't know it. I didn't know what a lesbian or bisexual was until the summer before my freshman year of high school. Even then it was an abstract term that I didn't know applied to me. You see I didn't want to have sex with Christina or even kiss her. It didn't even dawn on me to do that. I did however want to hold her hand and walk around talking just the two of us.

Once I figured out that I liked girls that way it was a slow but ever steady journey to where I am now in my sexuality. I am bisexual but I like girls more most of the time.

So I think that in the grand scheme of things that I owe Christina Singh the honor of being my first love and the one to start it all off.

Explaination of my painting "Toxic Breather"

My painting called "Toxic Breather" is actually about how CO2 is bad for the environment (mmkay?) and yet if you measure the amount that every breathing human releases per day it beats out a lot of the other polluters out there. *shrug*

I don't believe in "Climate Change". I do believe in having harmony with the planet and doing things to improve human habitat. The Earth has been through more damage than I can believe we could do to it before. We would die out and the planet would fix itself. That is what makes Earth so unique in our solar system.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Big Game 2

So my Steelers lost. They choked so hard! It's like they were in the locker room and decided to just give the game to the Packers. Argh! Anyway, the food was good. I've been reading more fan fiction. I have decided that I like the stories that have Bella as more than human or as a futanari. Though there are some super humorous stories that I loved just because they were intentionally written that way.

I recently bought Art Rage for my iPad. I like it because it shows texture in a way that Sketchbook Pro doesn't it also blends the colors better in my opinion. However, I am still learning to use it so my art will be hit and miss for the next little while.

The Big Game 1

So the Big Game is going on right now in the living room. I am not allowed to watch because my grandfather says I am too loud. I know he is right so I don't hold a grudge against him for it. My favorite team is playing. I have been a Steelers fan since junior high school. I hope they win again though they are making mistakes already. The food for today is going to be Cod Nuggets and French Fries from Schwan's. They are awesome though they would be even better if we had a fryer. LOL

I've been reading butt loads of fan fiction. I've made a few friends on Twitter which is cool. I like talking to people who get my humor.

I'll write again after the game is over.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A little update, talk of writing, and a hello

So, I am no longer writing to the unknown void. I have a follower! Thank you for following and I hope you enjoy the things that I end up talking about.

So, I have been reading a lot of Twilight fan fiction despite the fact that I don't like the original books. In fact the original books I believe are a bad thing for young girls to be reading considering the abusive relationship between Bella and Edward. I could go on and on about it but I frankly can't get the energy to rant about something I don't care about very much. However, the fan fiction writers make the characters awesome. I am of course mostly reading Bella with Alice, Leah, or Rosalie. I also find great joy when they talk mess about Edward. LOL

I have been listening to Pandora radio. I figured out that besides not having good friends and fun people to talk to the lack of music was contributing to my mood being in the dumps most of the time. Now, I am music on again 90% of the time and I feel better.

I've written a few lines of different dialog or story ideas. I want to sit down and write a story that has a futanari character in it. That is a japanese word.

Anyway, I'm going to go read some more. I'm about to start "Fire's Angel" by: ManaMila on

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Plan is working

So the sitting down with pencil, paper, and iPod worked like a charm. I wrote four pages the first time I sat down to do it. I'll be sitting down later tonight to continue. I'm not sure where I'm going with it but it is fun. It started out as a lesbian teenager love story using switching first person P.O.V. then it evolved into a weird sort of True Blood fan fiction. LOL

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Writing Schedule

I'm going to try to take up writing. Not just poems but actively make time everyday to sit down and write. A pencil or two and a pad of paper. I'll plug myself into my iPod for an hour or two. If I spend that time just sitting there staring at the paper then that is what will happen. I used to write all the time during the last two years of high school and quite a bit before I moved in here. I'm not sure what caused the flow to freeze up though I could come up with a thousand theories. I want to write again. I used to be able to paint pictures in the minds of others but now I can barely write poems about abstract emotions and thoughts. I figure if I put myself in the same situations that I wrote in back in the day it will help jump start something. It should since I won't be distracting myself with something someone else wrote, movies, or video games.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"Soulless Society"

Listening to "Blurry",
Agreeing with most of it.
Everyone is empty,
Finding souls in causes.

Need to feel it not make it,
Right not Easy will be the way.
Find that message anyway you can,
Take away the worry of what others say.

Happy Singing Musical Jess

Happy Jess is a radio singing Jess. I guess. *laughs at self* I wanted music but didn't know really what I wanted to listen to other than SR-71 "Let It Whip" cover. So I put SR-71 into Pandora added "Jumper" from Third Eye Blind, and threw in a little Dass Band just for fun. What I got was funk mixed in with punk and hard rock inspired stuff. LOL It is a lot of fun to listen to though because I get a greater mix of music I like and it has things in the line up that I don't even own a copy of.

I sent a copy of me singing along with part of a song to my friend Oscar. I can't put it up here because of copy rights but I don't think I sing to bad since I used to do a lot of Rock Band. ;-)

Art Work From: January 2011

Art Work From: December 2010